Part of the speech
I’m afraid John, I can’t congratulate you. All the emotions and in particular love stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time one feels certain our entire species.
But anyway, let’s talk about John. If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel. And contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious asshole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss so sorry again about that last one so know this, today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say, we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
但是，我们还是谈谈 John 吧。如果我愿意在冒险时带上一个助手，不会是因为动了感情或是心血来潮，而是因为他有着诸多优良的品质，只是他自己忽略了，因为他对我太过着迷。其实，如果我被认为是思维敏锐，都是因为 John 极为无私地衬托了我。我想新娘在她们最重要的一天总是会偏爱平凡无奇的伴娘们，新郎和伴郎也很类似。可以说，对比是上帝增强自己作品美感的方式，除非上帝只是个荒谬的幻想，只为给愚人们提供职业而存在。
我想说的是，我是一个极为讨厌的 、无礼的 、愚蠢的 、可恨的混蛋。谁遇见我都是一种不幸。我对美德不屑一顾，对美好视而不见，对幸福理解困难。所以，如果受邀做伴郎时我无法理解，那只是因为我从未想过我能成为谁最好的朋友，更别说成为我有幸认识的最勇敢、最善良、最聪慧的人最好的朋友。
John 我是个荒唐的家伙，是你温暖而坚定的友谊拯救了我。但是，作为你最好的朋友，我无法赞同你对伴侣的选择。不过，现在可以了。Mary 如果我说你配得上这个男人，这就是我能想到的最高赞誉了。John 你经受过战争，受过创伤和失去的痛苦，再次为最后那个道一次道歉。请你明白，今天在你身边的，也就是这世上最爱你的两个人。在此，我想对你说，我们永远不会辜负你，我知道 Mary 也是这么想的，我们会用一生去证明这一点。
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